Get in on the John

Yo people! Evenin'. This post started out it's life as a comment on my good friend Alex Rhen's blog ( link to the right ) about why I haven't been keeping in contact with most of ya'll. After I was finished writing it I figured it was more of a comment on me, and had no place as a comment on someone else's blog (Plus it would have been a pretty freaking long comment!).

This post is dedicated to you Alex, if it wasn't for the memory of your friendship I probably never would have got it all out.

Oh, and seriously dude, I haven't been trying to avoid you or anything and I am ashamed that I made you feel that way. No, you are in good company with everyone else I ever knew before Christmas 2005, and you are definitely not the only one who has wondered just what the heck was going on with me. My parents even went so far as to actually call from guinea ($$Cha-Ching$$) when I never answered or sent them any emails.

And really, even I'm not actually sure what's going on with me. At first I thought I wasn't doing email or chats anymore because talking to my family again would force me to admit they were actually gone. Ignoring everyone else was just collateral damage.
But then my parents called.
And we talked.
And although it was probably the happiest day I've had this semester, I still couldn't send any emails or sign into that chat program. And I'm not sure why. I would try to start emails, but the words would never come, the send button was never pressed, AIM was never logged into.

So as far as I can tell ( and obviously I can't tell very far ), I am just going through a readjustment period.
Going to college changed me. And I'm not yet certain how I should feel about those changes.
Perhaps I need to reaffirm my identity on my own, by myself, without the confusion of interacting with people who know me and have their own ideas about who I am. Talking with my old crew would be like looking at myself in a funhouse mirror: what I really look like is distorted and bent by the weight of our long association, when first impressions were made and memories accumulated.

Wow. You are the first person I've tried explaining it to, and it really felt great to get that all off my chest. Ha ha. I don't know what I'm doing writing it all as a comment on your blog though, it's kinda huge...
You know what, forget the comment! I think I WILL post this on my blog! Lol. Sorry! Hope you read it there!

So there it is folks, the whole sordid affair. Explaining it there I felt a weight I didn't know existed lifting off me. Oh, I still feel guilty for practically shunning everyone I've known or loved. Indeed, I feel hella guilty. But at least I have tried to explain my reasons why, and now that I've heard them myself, and I know that they actually exist, I can understand it. Almost.

My, my, what a messed-up puzzle I am.